So last week, the party found out that they had a lot to learn about how “murderer hobo” a player… Err players could get.
But let’s start at the beginning.
The party started out at the fishing village of Madeline. Madeline was attacked by pirates who destroyed several buildings and stole rations and other tools and useful stuff. Jazz, being the former paladin opted to bravely stay in Madeline, waiting for the anti-pirate party to return.
Loren and Robert missed the session, saying something about wanting to plant a garden. I think they were actually trying out a new GM… Why would sane intelligent people *want* to garden? It makes no sense to me.
Anyhow, we had two new players. Mike played a simian, Sue played a Wright family member. They alone knew the truth about the Pirates. The fishermen of Madeline have been fishing outside the negotiated treaty area. So the “pirates” aka the fishermen from the neighboring village came to rumble, to influence Madeline to honor their treaty. Mike and Sue knew, but they fed the line to the rest of the party that these pirates must be killed.
So the party decided to make some pirates dead. The Mayor of Madeline loaned the party a really nice fiberglass sailboat… An 80 year old fiberglass sailboat which needed significant maintenance. It leaked. Depending on where you stepped… Well let’s just say if you stepped in the wrong place, you would help scuttle the boat pretty quickly. The insides of the boat had been gutted, so there was nothing to protect the old fiberglass from a misplaced step. Luckily for Mike, the boat had ropes installed along the hull’s roof Mike, being a “Damned dirty ape”
Was able to hang onto the ropes and bail buckets out with his feet.
Daron and Eric decided to hang out in an aluminum dingy tied to the sailboat. Another aluminum dingy was tied behind them. Eric rowed to keep the tow rope slack. Daron does not like water, at all. He bravely tried every excuse he could think of to not go on the boat. Eventually, he decided being in a aluminum rowboat was better than being on the sailboat.
Gavin, Sue and Matthew were on the deck of the boat. Mike stayed below. Who knew simians were frightened of water? Maybe Jane Goodall, but I doubt that many National Geographic magazines lasted 80 years after the apocalypse. Sue decided she was the pilot. After all, her debutante status as a Wright family member got her a d4 in boating. Thank goodness for the wild die!
There was much discussion about… Should we go to deeper water or stay by the shore. Deeper water made you safe from critters flying out from the shore. Shallow waters made you safer from the things with tentacles, long dorsal fins and big nasty teeth. Well the things near the shore may have nasty teeth also. Since Sue and Mike were from Madeline, they knew that both options were equally nasty. Kind of like would you rather have a poke in the eye or a kick in the nuts?
After a while they decided to keep kinda close to the shore. That didn’t help much.
Around dusk, they heard loud screeching sounds coming from the shore. They were on the east side of the island and the setting sun was glaring into their eyes so they couldn’t get a visual. For some reason, the players decided that something bad was going to happen. I don’t remember if this was the first time Sue wagged her finger at me, but I know it wasn’t the last time this session. Usually, Sue reserves the finger wag for when she is speaking disaprovingly to royalty. I am not sure if this is an honor, or a curse. But I digress
After a short while, a dozen giant bats with nasty pointed teeth approached. It was dark by this time, and the players all rolled horribly. So all they noticed was that something was blotting out a lot of stars, and the somethings looked like they were getting close.
Daron shot the gun at them and missed. Now that was important for two reasons. First, bullets are rare, and the party exchanged all of their trade goods for bullets, which they hoped would effectively become currency. So Daron essentially used a $1,000 bill to light his cigar. The second reason it is important is that at night, an unsuppressed gun just completely paints you as a target. Meh, Daron is tough, and Eric was itching for a fight anyway. And how bad could a fight against a bunch of German Shepard sized bats be when you are fighting from a rowboat and a leaky 80 year old sailboat?
Eric rose to the challenge and swatted several bats to pieces with his oar. The first time Eric connected with the bat, it did so much damage that he was convinced that the oar was also +5 with the Vorpal trait. The second swat missed, so Eric figured out that the +5 Vorpal oar needed to recharge between swings.
Daron temporarily conquered his fear of water, and shot several giant bats out of the sky with his bow and arrow, but the bats also connected with him, causing nasty wounds.
Gavin got in some good swings. Sue shot several. Mike lost more arrows than had target hits. There were some impressive fighting.
But Matthew took the prize for most gonzo killing. He caught a bat, smashed it to pieces on the boat, then he threw the bat corpse at another bat flying by…. And killed the second bat. Of course, Matthew being Matthew, he tried to convince us all that this was nothing unusual for Jake from State Farm.
We all knew better.
The party continued on, and eventually got to “Pirate Island”. Mike and Daron scouted ahead. They found a nest of thieving nasty brutish people mending nets, cleaning and drying fish, and other yo ho ho things. They didn’t see an eye patch, peg leg or a parrot anywhere.
However, Mike saw a fishing net. He recognized the fishing net. It was a unique weave of net that only Madeline used, and these dastardly pirates were trying to mend it, destroying it in the process.
When they returned to the rest of the party at the boat, Sue finger wagged at anyone who even started to think that maybe these were not pirates. Sue and Mike were determined to wipe out these vermin, no matter how many other party members died in the process.
They were also followed by another flying drone. This one was bigger than the last. Gavin was convinced that this one had missiles, forward cannons and maybe a rail gun. But then, Gavin loves guns… He really wants to be a gun bunny. Daron salivated at the prospect of a personal rail gun, but it flew off before anyone could get too many ideas together about how to down a drone.
So off they went, merrily to massacre pirates. Eric started asking if these were really pirates and got a finger wag.
The party arrived at the pirate town just after the pirates ate their dinner, sitting around a large campfire, laughing and telling stories. No doubt talking of plunder, looting and pillaging.
Daron took out his bouncing Betty mine and snuck over to a boat on the dock, where he could lob it into the campfire. Matthew and Eric dug a pit trap, then hid under the aluminum dingy that they brought along. Once the battle started, Eric flipped up the aluminum boat, arranged it for the best acoustical effect, and started playing his bongos. Mike hid in the trees, waiting to ninja-monkey strike some pirates. Gavin wanted to know what was in the buildings. Sue was looking for people to wag her finger at…
Daron threw the Bouncing Betty mine into the fire. A direct hit, and the blast threw coals and burning logs onto the pirates. Many were shaken. Others were confused.
What followed is a blur of monkey screeching, arrow shooting, ninja badass finger wagging and a few high points.
Eric and Matthew called out to the beleaguered pirates telling them to come this way to safety… Right to the pit trap. Eric got tired of waiting, so he went out and met the rabble, and cut them down. Matthew got some good kills also.
Daron tried to hold off four bad guys, and ended up taking a grievous wound to his private parts (his roll, his luck) after some reading through the rules, it was determined that the wound was not permanent. But that didn’t stop the DM from playing to his inner 6 year old, and talked in falsetto to Daron for a while.
Mike became super ninja monkey, shooting lots of arrows, and occasionally hitting a target or three.
Gavin was unlucky. He entered the storeroom, and found the boss monster. A spell caster / psionic who tried to shoot his blunderbuss, missed, then blasted Gavin good with a horrific stream of locusts out of his fingers. Gavin went down.
Sue tried to help Gavin, and decided that it was time to boogie out of the storeroom. About this time, the boss came out and the remaining conscious members of the party made him leave this mortal coil.
Then it got bad, and the party of murdering hobos got a lesson in winning a battle.
Sue and Mike wanted to make sure that no one was left alive. This conquered village was now room for expansion of the populace of Madeline. They made sure that any “pirate” that was injured was given a swift death. In true frontier fashion, they didn’t want to risk damaging their edged weapons, so they stoned the wounded “pirates” to death.
Yup, right out of 2001 a Space Odyssey.
The party found a few old people, and children, who were hiding in one of the buildings. Thankfully, these people were saved a grisly fate, and given passage to Madeline, where they could work off their significant debt and maybe earn their freedom, if they survived long enough. Madeline always needs slaves, err workers.
The party gathered up all of the food, nets, and took the boat, loaded up the new potential future citizens of Madeline and set off home.