So yesterday was my birthday. I am now 49. To date, I have not received any letters from AARP, although I suspect that they are coming.
I had a good birthday. It involved hanging out with the dogs in the back yard, reading. It also involved a good time with friends playing GURPS at Dice Age. I then went to dinner with my family at a local Indian restaurant, Namaste, and coming home to enjoy watching Mechagodzilla vs. Godzilla II.
Now, any movie with Godzilla is worth watching. Even ones with Matthew Broderick in them. Well, maybe that DVD doesn’t get watched as much as the others… Even when you put Jean Reno and Hank Azaria in the movie, it still… well is bad. It really says something when Jean Reno can’t save a film. Double that up with Hank Azaria… and wow. I personally think that Matthew Broderick was assigned Inspector Gadget as punishment for the horrible shit pile that he gave us in Godzilla.
Now, I like Broderick. He was great in Glory as the fish out of water officer. I enjoyed Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. He was present in Wargames and Ladyhawke. Same with Max Dugan Returns, Biloxi Blues, and was given high praise in the Producers. I still prefer Gene Wilder and Zero Moestel in the earlier version of that. I guess I view Matthew Broderick in the same lens as Nicolas Cage. Both had some good movies, then they were given roles which were wrong for them. OK, I will admit, no one was right for any role in Godzilla in New York. It was just bad. I love schlock movies, but this was just plain bad. I will probably rant about Nicolas Cage in a future post.
Mechagodzilla is one of my favorite things. The idea of a mechanical kaiju just sits well with me. It takes the ridiculous concept of a giant irradiated lizard who spews fire, and adds a modern construct monster to it.
Now this movie included baby Godzilla. I don’t understand the Japanese need to chibi everything.
Maybe this is something that describes the difference between cultures. Japanese movie makers keep trying to insert a plot into their Kaiju movies. Americans seen to just want to see a guy in a rubber lizard suit stomp on a movie set model of a city. From our perspective, adding a plot to the Kaiju movie is the same as trying to add a plot and dialog to a porno. We don’t care why the guy with the pizza is ringing the doorbell. We don’t care that he got in a fight with his boss at the pizza shop for cutting a 2-inch diameter hole in the center of the pizza box on his way to make the delivery. We want the movie to start with the guy ringing the doorbell and when the door opens, that he says with a knowing smile “Pizza Delivery, with extra sausage” boom chicka wow, cut to the standard couch scene with pizza delivery guy and box. Now, we have all seen this scene before. The only differences are the hair color of the actors, the dimensions of the actors and which bass driven riff is playing.
Godzilla movies are like that. We only want to see which combination of the 40 or so rubber suits Toho brings together for the boss fights. We all know how it is going to end. There will be an orgasmic glory scene where Godzilla triumphs.
The question is, why does Toho Studios continue to try to give us plot?
Where was I? Oh yeah, my love for Mechagodzilla. I have a Mechagodzilla on my desk. This guy is cool. In the movie they harvest tech from another mecha Kaiju, mecha King Ghidora to build Mechagodzilla. I mean, how much better could this get? Oh, yeah, Toho Studios had to reduce the awesomeness by introducing Baby Godzilla, who happens to get all agro when music is played.
But you have stuff like this:
Dinner was amazing also. Namaste is a local Indian restaurant that we found a few months after we moved to Vancouver. We keep going back, and it never fails to provide amazing food. I had the buffet, which allows me to try all sorts of things. They had chicken Vindaloo and also a mix of lentils and kidney beans in sauce. Both are my favorites. I stuffed myself on those. The Vindaloo is good there. It isn’t super spicy, but it has a good base, and the spice is very present.
While I was at Dice Age Games, I picked up some Kromlech Orc minis.
I love Kromlech minis. They are really nice. I have had to limit my purchase of these, since they are even more expensive than Games Workshop stuff. Yes, there are minis which are even more expensive than GW stuff.
But they are really awesome. They are resin, instead of the hard plastic, so their detail is nicer. Now, all of the ones shown here are painted, and mine have a long way to go, but they have awesome stuff.
I have way too many minis. I will probably never paint all of them. I work hard on them for a while, then I go for several weeks and do something else. But that being said, when I want to paint, I want to paint. The Kromlech minis are some of the best minis out there, assuming that you like their style. Their goblins and orcs are just about right. I wish that they had more that were set up for a fantasy campaign, but, they will do for what I need and want. The downside is that the Kromlech minis are expensive. The Orcs tend to come with 10 in a pack for about $60. Compared to GW, that is pretty expensive. Compared to other minis like Reaper Bones, that is really expensive. But, you have some really awesome minis. As long as you don’t make a habit out of it, it shouldn’t be too bad, right?
So what happened during the GURPS game, you ask. Damn it, I have suffered through almost 1,000 words of blather to get caught up on the game, and all you have done is tell us about delicious Indian food, Godzilla, porn and minis. Well, I am almost there. This is the beauty of me having a blog. I can carry on about what I want to, and hopefully, it will translate into what you care about.
We all met at Dice Age, and got ready to play GURPS with goblins again. Shortly after we all met, Collin disappears, and we sit and chat for quite a while. It turns out that Collin was on a secret mission to bring me a birthday present.
It says “Make Forgotten Realms Great Again” Freaking awesome.Sue also brought mini cupcakes. Now the thought was nice, I think. They had the nasty shortening based frosting on them. Sue was smiling, but I am not sure if it was a smile of “Fuck you very much”, or what. I am going to go with the management concept of “always assume positive intent”, and leave it there.
You see they teach us things like that in management school. You go to classes, and they give you examples of how a minion may tank your project and try to get you fired because he doesn’t like the fact that you don’t go to the same church as he does… but you are always supposed to assume positive intent. There is probably a rational reason why a person would do this to you, but you just aren’t aware of it. So you should always deal with the situation that the little vindictive fucking pain in the ass actually sees something that you don’t, and his intent to undermine and psychically assassinate you is actually for a good reason. Not that I am making any comparison to Sue and a vindictive fucking pain in the ass. I was not intending that at all. Sue, please assume positive intent. I just used your wonderful expression of delight for my birthday as a segway into some managementspeak.
So we all had a good laugh, the group sung happy birthday to me. Hopefully, someone paid the royalties for that song, since it was sung in a business establishment. Jerimiah informed me that his name is spelled with an I, not an E. Maybe he was telling me that his name was spelled with an E, not an I. It could have been that he was telling me that there were some silent number 7’s in his name. I don’t remember. I am not sure if that meant Jiremiah, Jirimiah, or Jerimiah. The only one that doesn’t end up with the squiggly red line under it is when I spell it Jeremiah. See below:
Anyhow, Jirimmiah ( I assume it is all I’s, with no E’s since he called me out on it) told me that he is reading my blog. and he didn’t realize that he was going to be called out specifically, and that I wrote whatever actually happened in the store as though I was not the ringleader, and everyone else takes the fall for any questionable things. You see, Jirimiah, I don’t want to have a squad of Spanish Foreign Legion knocking at my door, saying “What do you mean, we look like a pride parade gone bad” You see, I need plausible deniability. These dudes are bad ass. They are awesome. Their military record is on par with other elite forces. Their uniforms look (as someone without any E’s in there name said) like Gefaggedah. I preferred to question if the unique cut of the uniform and interesting colors had some deeper meaning, and maybe I was color blind.
You see, Jirimiah, if the Spanish Foreign Legion come and demand retribution against the big, tall, shaved head, bearded, Jewish, Marine with extensive training in psychology who works at Dice Age… who is named Jirimiah (no E’s), you also have plausible deniability. “Nope, can’t be me, I have an E in my name somewhere.” I got your back, buddy. We Army guys look out for the other branches any time we can.
So we started playing GURPS at some point. Now the GURPS game seems to be a free form game, which really should be using the TOON rules instead. I brought my Metamorphosis Alpha Mutation Manual, since what do goblins need more than just goblin traits… you guessed it, mutations.
The party decides to leave the goblin cave and go to the big city, to try to find their goblin tribes who live in the dwarf hole in a well within the city. Now Googling “Dwarf hole” gives you some really odd results.
In this case, the “dwarf hole” is where a village takes one or more wells in the town, and excavates a tunnel to the side of the well, normally above the high water mark. This hole is then excavated to create some chambers. In the event of an attack, then merchants and other wealthy people would take their money and go to the hole to hopefully survive the attack. If there is room, then the women and children would be included. It was a good idea to be able to include the women and children, since otherwise, when the invaders go into the town, the survivors would point to the well and say “the rich people are down there… Go down 10 feet, then turn left.” You had to include some reason why the normal townspeople wanted to keep mute about the hiding people.
There are probably other names for the hidden chambers, but I picked up the term “dwarf hole” from the book “The Hangman’s Daughter” which was a really good book, for no fantasy medieval story. The dwarf hole was pivotal to the plot of the book. Now, this was not a tremendous, biggly, amazing book. It was, of course about Germans, so it couldn’t have the amazing, tremendous biggly status. But it was very enjoyable, even though the title “Hangman’s Daughter” was misleading, since the Hangman’s Daughter was one character, not the main character in the story. It may not have been Biggly, but it was still worth the read.
And, no, Loren, there were no wizards, no flying carpets, and no invisibility or fireball spells. There were also no gnome witches available to make sure that you drew the area of effect so that it went around the gnome witch several times.
So the party of goblins decides to go in the direction of the town that the goat hoof prints went. After a while, they got out of the previously scorched earth that they created in the previous session(s), and got back into a beautiful forested area. That would not do.
They are tromping along, and I ask for everyone to make a perception roll. Only the mute goblin makes it. Good stuff. He sees a very large critter on four paws. It is over 6-ft long.
I show the picture above, and everyone says “Ah, a honey badger”. Damn it, it isn’t a honey badger, it is a freaking SPACE HONEY BADGER who is like 4 times the normal length of a normal nastyass honey badger.
What to do? What to do? Well, a normal party would realize that they are outclassed. Not this party. They impulsively attack. Well, some impulsively try to sneak around it.
The party moves forward, intent on smacking this nasty critter. They run up on it, and either miss, or because of DR, hit and do no damage. The honey badger turns around and sprays skunk like spew out of its anal glands onto Bill’s goblin. It is horrifically nasty. Now this is where the good part comes in. The honey badger creates mutations with its anal glands, and bite. So Bill now has a new and improved ability to change reality. Three times per session, Bill can decide to roll one extra d6 on any roll. If he rolls a 2, 4 or 6, then he subtracts that number from his 3d6 roll. If he rolls a 1, 3 or 5, then he adds that number to his roll. It could be better, or it could be worse. Messing with time and space has potential drawbacks.
Mike moves behind the critter, and the critter sprays at Mike’s goblin. The spray misses Mike’s goblin. I ask him if he wants to dodge into the spray? Of course. The goblin makes his dodge, and dodges into the spray.
Now, Collin is not going to be outdone. Undone? I don’t know which it is. Collin decides that the best thing to do is to approach the critter, and stick Mike’s detached arm up the anal gland spout to plug up the toxic goo that is coming out. We have had many discussions at the table which are probably not appropriate for the family friendly game story, but Collin’s character was the Queen’s love slave. We made lots of jokes about fisting, and the racoon who got his hand caught in the cookie jar, because he reached in, and grabbed the cookie, and couldn’t pull his hand out again…
OK, so we really don’t want to know what exactly Collin’s goblin was doing with, or to the Queen. Well, maybe some of the players want more detail, but not me.
So Collin pulls out the extra arm from his backpack, and sneaks up to the honey badger. Now, Mike goes to his phone and does a quick Google search, and returns this picture.
I am not sure what exact search terms Mike used, since when I tried this morning to search for “hand up skunk ass” and “arm up skunk ass” did not return anything like this. Maybe I have safe search turned on?
Collin tries to plug the honey badger’s anal glands with Mike’s severed arm (remember when I said this should be Toon rules instead of GURPS rules?) and Collin misses. Now even with all the practice he had with pleasing and servicing the queen, he was not prepared for this.
Now I will take a quick second to point out that this is not coming from my imagination. I put a honey badger in the forest, who upon biting (saliva transfer) or spraying upon (which is a feature of the GURPS giant honey badger beastiary listing), the party member would get a mutation. Now the GURPS book with the giant honey badger is the “fantasy” beastiary. I am not sure if that explains this, or if there is something deeper going on. it might be shallower instead of deeper.
The people at the table turned this into some form of furry sex crazed animalistic freak fest. There is ample hooting and hollering going on at the table. I am sure that the serious people playing Warhammer and Magic The Gathering are convinced that there is a mental health crisis going on at our table.
It is also important to quote the GURPS core book. This is what it says on the cover.
Some people would look at that and say “Wow, what a great idea. I can use this system for anything” Other people (I am looking at you, Collin) say “… Challenge accepted.”
So Collin tried several times to stick the severed arm from Mike’s ninja assassin goblin into the anal gland of the honey badger. Given the called shot along with the improvised weapon, he was not successful.
Meanwhile, the honey badger chomped Eric’s goblin and got a good bite on his midriff. Eric was able to escape, but not before he got some mutations. Eric now has the ability to do the GURPS equivalent of Mage Hand at will, three times per session.
While Eric was getting chomped, Bill and Collin were trying to escape. They were sneaking around, trying not to be seen by anyone, especially this nasty honey badger.
Sue tries to light the critter on fire. It doesn’t work as well as she thought it should. The honey badger bites her on the leg as she lights the grass on fire below the critter. When the honey badger bites her on the leg, the badger then tries to run away from the fire, with Sue’s leg in the badger’s mouth.
After several rounds of running, Sue finds out that she has a new mutation that allows her to become incorporeal three times per session for 1d6 seconds. She turns into a ghost, the honey badger seems confused, and then runs off.
Whew. Lots of interesting stuff.
So then Brian comes in and says “Hey guys! What is up?”
The party continues on. They are seriously hurt. Few hit points are left. Very few. So they decide to go and find the goblin village in the dwarf hole in the town. As the party approaches the town, they find that it is nothing like they would have expected. There are no palisades, no walls, no defenses of any type. The path continues right up to dwellings at the edge of the forest. The buildings are blocky, and have large openings that allow the goblins to see inside. The building materials are completely foreign to the goblins. nothing makes sense.
While everyone is standing around trying to figure out what to do, Collin’s goblin moves forward into the alleyway and spies a 3-ft high square bin made of material that he has never seen before. Inside the bin is the most delectable smorgasbord of delicious food he has ever seen. The green mold is the perfect piquant of deliciousness. The bin is full of this goulash of delight.
He eats some, then goes back and has to pantomime to the others about the delights he has found. Sue, Mike and Collin go forward. They find amazing delights. Bill comes and fills up a bag. Sue finds that there are furry critters with large yellow eyes who are making grinding sounds and bumping her hip with their heads.
Time moves forward. The goblins eat their fill. The goblins decide to take one of the large canisters of delight with them to the forest. They try to tip it onto its side so they can carry it or roll it, but fail miserably. It falls over and a light turns on in the abode nearby. The goblins scurry away, except Mike, who goes into the bin and covers himself with the refuse.
A very tall pale skinned monster comes out, and exclaims loudly in disgust. The goblins don’t have to speak this monster’s language. They know what it means. The monster then rights the bin with Mike in it while Mike is burring himself in the garbage. The monster picks up more garbage from the alley and stuffs more garbage on top then closes the lid and locks it tight. and goes back into the abode.
Brian decides he is going to use magical abilities to unlock the bin. The bin is several tech levels above his abilities, and Brian does not succeed.
The other goblins top over the bin again, and try to wheel it out to the forest, this time to both get food and to hopefully release Mike from his prison. Knocking over the bin causes the monster to come out of the abode again. Everyone scurries, but Brian doesn’t scurry fast enough. The monster chases him. Brian tries to cast sleep, then confusion on the monster. Neither work. Brian is now down to FP0, and sits down as the monster grabs him and yells for “Martha, bring the cage… I got something weird here”.
While this is going on, Bill sneaks inside the open door of the abode while the monster leaves. The door closes with a swoosh. He hears the terrifying sound of a dozen feet pounding towards him with the high scream of three dogs. While horrified, he is not terrified, as the three dogs jump on him and try to lick him to death.
The rabid dogs also pee on him. Their soft fur hiding the natural killing machines. As the horrible animals are trying to knock him back down and chew holes in his armor Bill desperately tries to open the door so he can escape. This horror is too much. There is no latch, knob or anything that makes the door look proper. He sees that there are raised portions of the wall, and tries desperately to push anything to see if he can open the door. The door slides open, then as one of the monster dogs tries to run out, yipping in fury, the door slams shut on the horrible inbred nightmare, chopping it in two. The evil creature continues to live beyond death, as the back half of the monster seems to still be alive as the small claw filled feet are twitching.
Martha goes out through another door, and Bill follows, hoping to escape this horrible place. Everything gleams, and shines. There is no dirt or filth anywhere. As Bill moves out, he sees a block of carved wood that has handles sticking out of it. He pulls a handle, and a goblin sized sword comes out.
Bill grabs the entire block of swords, and scurries to follow Martha desperate to find a way to escape this charnel house. Martha left a couple of doors open, and Bill follows, with the two remaining dog monsters barking, snapping and yapping, trying to infect Bill with saliva and pee. On his way out, Bill manages to grab the front half of the half monster dog. He realizes that Mike needs another arm, and this may be the best arm possible.
Brian is caged. Bill escapes with the goblin sword block, and 2 and a half monster dogs. After everything gets quiet, Eric comes back and uses his mage hand to lift the bin that Mike is stuck in and pulls it into the forest.
As the session ends, no one notices that there is an evil lurking in the forest, watching all of this. Waiting for the proper time to engage this new goblin enemy.